I was out for a week and made the mistake of picking up a GQ because the hotel store didn’t have MAXIM. I have never read GQ but thought I’d give it a shot.
I should have known by the stench of cologne that this wasn’t going to be a magazine for me. Flipping through the pages is like flipping through a Cosmo…you just go from one perfume insert to another and from one ad peddling ties ($200) to one peddling sneakers ($500). It’s not even a magazine, its more of a catalog…and its barely that. The J. Peterman catalog had more interesting articles in it.
Here’s a classic case of an underserved and untapped market that MAXIM drove a truck through, just like Hugh Heffner did in the 1960s. GQ isn’t a men’s magazine. It’s a niche magazine for NY male models, investment bankers, and the cast of "Queer Eye."
Here’s a little snippet of a stupid article in GQ from the June 2005 issue, page 90 –
"The 10 things every man should have in his fridge at all times"
1. " White Wine – Perfect for deglazing a saute pan when preparing chicken or fish" What happened to a good old Stout or Heffeweissen? Good god, even a Miller Light is more indespensable than a bottle of white wine. And what kind of man deglazes his saute pan? The only thing I’ve ever deglazed is a Krispy Kreme donut. White wine goes horribly with hot, fresh donuts.
2. "High End Bacon – Not the limp sulfite infused kind" – What the hell is "high-end bacon"? Jimmy Dean is as high-end as any man I know is going to get. And that’s still too much for me. If it doesn’t spell O-S-C-A-R-M-E-Y-E-R, I probably won’t keep it in the fridge.
3. "Parmigiano-Reggiano" As a bachelor, the best cheese that I ever had in the fridge was some Swiss with a nice dusting of mold on it. Most guys should avoid the filamentous fungi and stick to single- sliced, individually-wrapped American that doesn’t go bad for at least 12 months.
4. "Dijon Mustard" Pardon me, GQ, but could you please pass me your "man card" – it’s been revoked. Jeeze. Give me some Heinz in an upside down squeeze bottle so the opening doesn’t get so dry and crusty you can’t squeeze the stuff out without it exploding everywhere.
5. "Italian Flat-Leaf Parsley – The all purpose herb" In college, I actually knew lots guys who kept Herb – but it was better prepared rolled, not diced.
6. "Eggs" By the time I get around to eating a dozen eggs, half of them will have hatched.
7. "Lemon – A wedge for your vodka and soda, zest for baking and perfect for squeezing over steamed vegetables" But what about the lime, man…what about the lime? Don’t forget that limes are perfect for your ZIMA and Corona Light, wussy boy.
8. "Champagne – To celebrate the unexpected" Always keep some handy to celebrate your castration. I can’t touch the stuff because it gives me the burps and gas.
9. "Butter" Man, woman, eunuch…who doesn’t keep some butter in their fridge? A worthless suggestion right up there with keeping some ice in the freezer.
10. "Hellmann’s Mayonnaise" I guess one out of ten isn’t bad for a top ten list. Finally, some high-calorie, high-cholesterol food that most guys actually have in the fridge at all times. Just make sure it hasn’t crusted over and doesn’t have a green layer of fungi on it and you’ll be fine.